I woke up this morning feeling SUPER OPPRESSED.
It started as any other day. I woke up and got in the shower. As the bittersweet notes of my Kiehl’s grapefruit shampoo filled my nose, I suddenly became infuriated. WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO SHOWER? Why should I conform to some patriarchal ideal that expects girls to smell nice?
Frustrated, I skipped the rest of my morning routine which usually includes deodorant, teeth brushing, hair combing, etc. because you know, FUCK THAT, SMASH THE PATRIARCHY. Instead, I just put on my work clothes and rode the elevator down from my 27th floor apartment.
As I left my building, my doorman said, “You look nice today, Anne.”
I glared. HOW DARE HE.
I had literally just seen a male resident walk out the door before me and the doorman only said “have a nice day” to him.
WHY DO MEN ONLY VALUE WOMEN FOR THEIR LOOKS? GOD MY DOORMAN IS SUCH A SEXIST.
I flagged down a cab in a huff and watched sullenly as the cab driver glanced in his rearview mirror several times. I mean, does it really take more than one glance to check traffic? He was obviously checking me out. I FELT TOTALLY UNSAFE.
I breathed a sigh of relief as I got to my office in Midtown, thankful that I made it with my vaginal integrity intact.
During our morning team meeting, I seethed quietly in my seat as I wondered who was getting paid more money than me because I was a girl. EVERYONE WITH A PENIS, OBVIOUSLY. UGH.
I got up to fill my coffee mug. As I stood there next to the Nespresso machine waiting for my single-serve cappuccino, David piped up from across the room.
"Hey, can you grab me a coffee while you’re over there?"
HOW. DARE. YOU. JUST BECAUSE I’M A WOMAN, DOESN’T MEAN I AM YOUR SLAVE.
"MAKE IT YOURSELF, MISOGYNIST!" I answered, proud that I called him out on his patriarchal bullshit.
The rest of the day proceeded without incident, THANK GOD. On my way home, I stopped by Whole Foods to get some organic Kale, blood oranges, wild Alaskan salmon, and ethically sourced fava beans. I was so angry when I found out they were out of soy chips - COULD THIS DAY GET ANY WORSE?
Yes. Yes, it could.
As I headed home, I passed by an advertisement at a bus stop. Ugh, it was another half-nude thin woman trying to sell something. Don’t people know that the average American woman in 5’4” and 160 pounds? JFC why can’t we celebrate being average like it’s an achievement? AND IT’S SO FUCKING GROSS AND DEMEANING when a woman is dressed slutty in print or on the screen. It’s only OK if a woman dresses slutty in person. FUCK WHY CAN’T PEOPLE JUST GET IT ALREADY?
A car drove by and suddenly my ears were assaulted with that Robin Thicke song about rape. The man in the car was bopping his head along to the radio, his rapey arm slung rapily out his rolled-down window.
"POTENTIAL RAPIST! RAPE ENABLER!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, pointing a condemning finger in the man’s direction.
Of course, no one walking by me cared, not even other women. THE INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY OF OTHER WOMEN RUNS SO FUCKING DEEP.
I trucked back to my apartment balancing my laptop bag, purse, cellphone, and groceries in my arms. I was so fed up with all the oppression I faced today. All I wanted to do was go curl up in my 1000 thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets AND DIE.
"Do you need help with that?" my doorman asked as he noticed the multiple bags in my arms.
He moved to help me and saw the groceries in my Whole Foods bag.
"What are you making for dinner?" he asked.
How dare he assume I am too weak as a woman to carry things on my own? How dare he insinuate that my place as a woman is in the kitchen and that I have to conform to society’s expectation of gender roles? FUCKING SEXIST PIG. I. JUST. CAN’T. EVEN. UGH.
"SEXISM MISOGYNY PATRIARCHY SOCIAL JUSTICE PRIVILEGE OPPRESSION ARGH!" I raged, educating him and educating him good.
When I finally made it back to my room, I opened my brand new Macbook Air and got on Tumblr. I posted an account of all the oppression and injustices that happened to me today and felt reassured as my opinions were parroted back to me and reblogged by people who already share the same viewpoint of the world.
Then I went to bed in my luxury high rise apartment in Manhattan and thought about how FUCKING PRIVILEGED my doorman was to be a white hetero cis male and how he DIDN’T APPRECIATE HIS PRIVILEGE AT ALL. I hoped that he would THINK HARD about his privilege today as he rode the bus back to his studio apartment in Queens at 1AM in the morning after his shift ended.
AND THAT’S WHY I NEED FEMINISM.